I fell down a Google wormhole a few days ago searching out some of the most cliche sayings of all time. I had no purpose for this search other than to relentlessly avoid whatever I was supposed to be doing at the time, but then I started to realize that golf provides some strong exceptions to some of these sayings and I thought it would be fun to share them with you. Please enjoy.
1) Practice makes perfect
You have approximately a 1 in 14 million chance to win a 6 number lottery, and I’d still invest all my savings in lottery tickets before I’d put my money on anyone achieving perfection in golf (no offense). Anybody who lives by this saying has clearly never played golf, as it doesn’t take much time on a golf course to be reminded that golf is actually a no holds barred cage match of imperfection 99% of the time (but you should still practice).
2) Live every day like it’s your last.
I can’t think of anything more upsetting and bad for my game than pretending it is my last chance ever to play golf. I’m going to go ahead and keep pretending I have an unlimited number of golf games in my future.
3) The grass is always greener on the other side.
Obviously people who feel this way have never hit it out of bounds. Every golfer should know the grass is never greener over there. Sometimes there isn’t even grass at all. Sometimes it’s just a parking lot or a farmer’s field or bushes full of thistles and poisonous snakes.
4) The early bird catches the worm.
I’m sure this is true sometimes, but what if there’s a frost delay? Then the early bird who didn’t call ahead to check if there’s a delay just sits in the clubhouse alone drinking coffee while their friends get an extra 45 minutes of sleep. And why is nobody talking about the early worm who gets eaten by the bird? Who are the birds and who are the worms? It’s all fairly confusing. You should probably just play golf at a time that is convenient for you.
5) Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars.
For starters the moon is over 420 million yards away. Even if you miraculously land among the stars you would most definitely be out of bounds and in an extremely inhospitable environment. If a caddie ever used this cliche he’d be immediately fired.
6) Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass. It’s about learning to dance in the rain.
I can’t imagine anything that would ruin a round of golf more than being struck by lightning. You should always take shelter and wait for the storm to pass.
7) You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.
First off, you can’t miss a shot you don’t even take. Trying to quantify that as a percentage is mathematically undefined because it would require division by zero. Second, in golf you don’t get a choice, you have to pony up and hit every shot. Not only is this saying a poor fit for golf, but it doesn’t even make sense in the actual world.
8) Finders keepers, losers weepers.
If you find a playing partners ball in the woods its actually extremely important you tell them and not keep it for yourself. It’s upsetting that this somehow became a saying.
9) Everything happens for a reason.
Give me ONE good reason why my ball rattled the flag and spun back into the water. It’s time for people to come to terms with this — sometimes things just happen for no good reason and we have to deal with it.
10) Good things come to those who wait.
Anyone who has waited 10 minutes for the green to clear in order to go for a par 5 in two after everyone else in the group has laid up knows that bad things can most definitely happen to those who wait (but you should still always go for it).